


Accumulated Loneliness

by rinnenotsubasa



Series: Angel in Disguise [1]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Other, relationships might or might not be romantic, that's why i'm using both / and &
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-03
Updated: 2016-09-08
Packaged: 2018-05-30 22:36:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6445021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rinnenotsubasa/pseuds/rinnenotsubasa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A flower who doesn’t know whom it’s blooming for.<br/>A bird who doesn’t know where to fly to.<br/>A star who sits all by itself in a corner of the sky. </p><p>Based on a song and MV with the same title by Fang Wu.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Flower

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is based on a beautiful song and MV titled “Accumulated Loneliness” by Fang Wu. I had to use google to understand the lyrics, but actually the [MV](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=90xQdZ4WmLA) says it all.  
> English translation [here](https://blobofcolour.wordpress.com/2014/01/11/%E5%AD%A4%E7%8D%A8%E7%9A%84%E7%B8%BD%E5%92%8C-the-sum-of-loneliness-lyrics/).
> 
> It’s nothing much yet. I have a vague outline but everything is just so fuzzy. I just wanted to try writing it and see how it'll turn out.
> 
> P.S.: I’m not abandoning my [Fool](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6168208) fic.

Seokmin had no idea why he did that. He’s not exactly the smart type, but surely he would’ve think twice before approaching a total stranger and giving him an apple.

He didn’t though. And now he’s looking down to a male with blond locks secured in a ponytail. The blond guy looked young, maybe in his early twenties. He was sitting on a concrete in this abandoned park, phone in one hand. A small carton bag on his side, it was where he put the wrapping plastic of the sandwich he just ate. 

The blond guy moved his gaze from the apple in Seokmin’s hand to look at Seokmin, strands of his long bangs covered a part of his right eye.

Seokmin was not sure that it was the right thing to stare at the guy’s eyes, but he didn’t have any choice. It was as if his muscles were paralyzed. He couldn’t move his gaze, or even open his mouth a bit to show some teeth and hopefully make his smile seems less strained. 

His muscles finally loosened up when the blond guy’s lips curved into a smile. 

**

“Hm?”

The confused sound made Seokmin turned his attention from the boiling pot to Jeonghan who was sitting on the sofa. He was bent over Seokmin’s phone in his hand, his untied blond locks covered the sides of his face. 

“I don’t remember taking this picture.” Jeonghan said while looking at the screen of Seokmin’s phone. His tone showed a bit of curiosity, but it was almost fleeting. As if it wasn’t a big deal an he didn’t mind even if he’s never going to get the answer.

But it had a weird effect on Seokmin, making him curious as to what made Jeonghan said that. He glanced at the pot, confirming that it was okay to leave it for a while, and walked towards the sofa.

Seokmin looked at the phone screen over Jeonghan’s shoulders. It was a photo of Jeonghan, sitting on the concrete in the abandoned park, book on one hand, sandwich on the other. His eyes were fixed on the book, cheeks slightly swollen from the sandwich in his mouth. 

“Oh, that. Um....” Seokmin stuttered. 

Jeonghan turned his head back to face Seokmin. His eyes looking straight at Seokmin’s.

Seokmin used to hate being looked at. His parents always looked at him with disappointment filling their eyes, while people in general looked at him either with disgust or fear. Others who don’t only looked at him with blank stares, the same one that Seokmin saw every time he looked in the mirror. 

But Seokmin loved it when Jeonghan did it. When those eyes fall upon him, he could feel that he was being looked at for the way he is. He could feel in peace.

So even though at first Seokmin’s head was panicking to make up an excuse for why he secretly took a photo of Jeonghan back when they didn’t know each other, he managed to calm down by looking back at Jeonghan’s eyes.

They were free of accusations. Simply innocent and beautiful.

“We didn’t know each other at that time and I know I shouldn’t, but I just took it.” Seokmin answered while scratching the back of his head.

Jeonghan just hummed and turned his head again. Seokmin sighed.

“Don’t you think you should be a bit worried that a stranger took your picture without permission?”

Jeonghan turned his head back again.

“You’re the one who took it so it’s fine,” he said casually. He was back facing the phone again as Seokmin sighed for the second time. 

Jeonghan suddenly let out an “Oh!” and put Seokmin’s phone on the table in front of him. His hands moved to the his own phone that was lying close. 

“The photo reminded me of something. The store where I bought the sandwich. There’s something in the store.... Wait, I took a picture of it... It might be buried deep in the gallery though. It was before we met. Hmm.... Let’s see...”

Jeonghan’s finger once again sliding across the screen. His head bent down, at times moving slightly to get his dangling hair off his face. 

Seokmin reached to the front pocket of his pants and took out a hairband. He moved it there from his wrist just before he started to cook. He took Jeonghan’s hair and tied them with it. Jeonghan just let him and didn’t move his attention from the phone. After Seokmin finished tying up Jeonghan’s hair, he went back to look at the phone.

Jeonghan’s photo gallery was mostly filled with random things. The mountain they could see from Seokmin’s place when the weather is nice. A flower he saw growing in the corner of the alley he used as a shortcut to his workplace. A human shaped bronze statue in front of an antique store he happened to pass by, the statue’s limbs jutting out in weird directions. 

Jeonghan would show him those pictures when they met. The first time he did that, it was a photo of a duck in a river. Seokmin asked him what did the photo mean. Jeonghan just shrugged.

_”The duck looks comfy and the water looks so fresh.”_

He said with a smile.

Since then, Seokmin never asked him why he showed the photos. He just look at them and talk with Jeonghan about how the cloud looked like a dog’s paw, how the grass showed different shades of green, and how the dew clouded the bus’ window. 

Jeonghan’s photo gallery was now one of the things that constantly bring a smile on Seokmin’s face.

The gallery doesn’t have any people in it. The only living things in the pictures were plants and animals. Or at least that’s what Seokmin thought.

Jeonghan’s thumb which was slowly sliding over the screen had just stopped. The screen now showed a male with his face sticking to a shop window. The light from the window shines on the male, revealing his pale complexion and skinny body. The photo looked like it was taken from quite far with the zoom on, but it was clear enough to see that the male was smiling. 

Jeonghan’s finger froze for a bit while until it slided again over the screen. Seokmin wondered about the photo but didn’t say anything.

He wished he could see Jeonghan’s expression when that photo came up. Why, he didn’t know.


	2. Star

Jeonghan was sitting at the bus stop, waiting for a ride home. It was 7 PM and the wind was pretty cold. Jeonghan shivered a bit, but he actually enjoyed the cold breeze. The bus stop had a roof but no walls, so Jeonghan could feel the wind directly caressing his body and making his unbuttoned white shirt flapping against the grey sleeveless he wore inside. 

Jeonghan turned his head to his back, looking towards the line of shops across the street, and suddenly he smiled. 

His gaze fell upon a skinny young man. The man was standing in front of the display window of an electronic store. The light from the store shined upon his face, revealing a set of big slanted eyes on top of a button-like nose and a smile. His hair was short black and a little disheveled. He was wearing a white T-shirt with light green sleeves and a black pants. 

The way his eyes gleamed and his lips curved caught Jeonghan’s attention, the same way a grass flower and an ice cream cone shaped hat he saw today did. 

Jeonghan took out his phone and raised his hand just over his waist, facing the camera towards the man. A click and the picture of the man was saved into his phone.

This man was looking intently at a line of TVs on display, showing colorful sea corals. He traced every sway of the corals in the TVs with wide eyes. After a few minutes the TVs started showing a different video. A concert. The man furrowed at the change and pounded the display glass. Not long after, two security guards showed up, taking the man on his arms and trying to take him away from the glass. The man struggled, but he couldn’t shake off the guards’ grip.

Jeonghan didn’t even think. He just got up from his seat, crossed the street and ran towards the man. He grabbed his arm and pulled him away from the guards. The man struggled the entire time, but luckily Jeonghan managed to bring him to the bus stop. Jeonghan made the man sit and then took his own phone, looking for something. The man couldn’t sit still and tried to get up, but Jeonghan held his arm with his free hand. After a few swipes with his thumb, Jeonghan found what he was looking for and showed it to the man. It was a video of corals, similar to the one at the electronic store just now. Jeonghan put the phone in the man’s hand. Once again the man was mesmerized. 

Time passed as the man kept watching the video and Jeonghan looking at him. At one point the man returned Jeonghan’s phone, got up and walked away. Jeonghan was left alone to wait on the last bus, smiling.

**

Jeonghan left his workplace and walked to the bus stop in eager steps, almost hopping. When he arrived, the usual passengers were there. A woman in suits who was looking over her phone, a couple of high school boys in their uniforms, probably going home after cram school, a young woman who looked like a student, earphones in her ears. 

He was there too. The man with big slanted eyes and button-like nose. 

Jeonghan, smiling, walked towards the man and sat next to him. The man kept the impassive look on his face until Jeonghan showed him a video of aurora. By then the man’s eyes gleamed and Jeonghan’s smile grew wider.

The man didn’t show up everyday. Twice or three times a week. There was no telling what day he’ll appear, but he did. They always did the same routine, Jeonghan showing various videos, the man watching it while Jeonghan looking at him. Sometimes Jeonghan talked to him too, although the man never replied. Jeonghan didn’t mind and just told him about his day, about how his neighbor’s lily had bloomed, how the rain drops felt nice on his skins.

It’s Friday and Jeonghan wasn’t sure whether the man will come. But there he was. Jeonghan showed him another video, though this time the man didn’t watch it for long. He just stood up and walked away from the bus stop. Jeonghan got confused and followed him. The man didn’t stop him.

They arrived on alley between two flat buildings. At the end of the alley was a small open space, some kind of equipment storage at the center. The man climbed the stairs attached to wall of the storage and sat on the roof. Jeonghan followed.

Hands supporting his back, Jeonghan looked up. The sky was dark. There were no stars. It’s a rare sight in the city anyway. Jeonghan continued to look at the empty sky, smiling.

Then Jeonghan felt a touch on his right arm. Jeonghan turned his head to see the man’s hand knocking his arm. The man reached his pocket with his other hand and took out a purple flower. 

The last time they met, Jeonghan was telling him about a beautiful bouquet of purple flowers he saw on the display of a flower shop.

The flower in the man’s hand wasn’t a full bouquet, and it was a bit crumpled from being put inside the pocket. But Jeonghan was smiling.

“Thank you.”

**

One month. Jeonghan thought as he closed the door and stepped inside his room. It had been one month since the man stopped showing up at the bus stop. 

Jeonghan put down his bag on the side of his bed and sat down. 

As he casted his gaze towards the window next to his bed, he thought. It’s like how it’s always been. People come and go. He’s alone. 

It felt as if someone was squeezing his chest and shoving it with needles at the same time. Suffocating and stinging. 

Jeonghan let it be. He knew that the feeling won’t last. 

The next day Jeonghan woke up as usual. On his way to work, he went pass a river. A couple of ducks were swimming. Jeonghan spotted one duck who was swimming a bit far from the others. The waters around it glinted against the sun.

Jeonghan took out his phone and captured it in a photo. He checked the picture, put the phone back to his pocket, and walked away, smiling.

**  
Jeonghan was walking with Seokmin with groceries on their hands. Today they went to a market a bit far from Seokmin’s place to get a special ingredient. Jeonghan was talking all the way that he didn’t notice his surroundings. He just did when Seokmin gestured him to stop with the look in his eyes and a shake of his chin. 

They were in a bus stop. A familiar one for Jeonghan. Jeonghan used to ride bus from here. He had changed his job which required him to change his bus route so he hadn’t use this bus stop for a long time.

Jeonghan turned his head to behind the bus stop. Across the street was an electronic store, a line of TVs behind its display glass. For a while hope filled Jeonghan, but nobody came to stop in front of the display glass.

“Jeonghan.”

Jeonghan turned to Seokmin and saw that the bus was already there. 

“Yeah,” Jeonghan smiled and followed Seokmin into the bus.

As he sat down with groceries on his lap, a man with big slanted eyes and button-like nose came across his mind. Jeonghan thought, _I’m happy. Are you?_


	3. Bird

Seokmin looked at the face on the mirror. A long face and sharp nose. Thick eyebrows and high cheekbones. Black hair cut short, leaving the forehead exposed. Eyes akin to those of dead fish.

He didn’t hate that face anymore, but that didn’t mean he likes it.

“Seokmin!” A voice reached him from outside the bathroom. 

Seokmin didn’t bother to take one last glance at the face on the mirror before walking through the door. 

**

Seokmin was sitting at a corner of the park, his back facing a wired fence. He was rummaging the insides of his shoulder bag when he sensed someone's presence. A young man walked in front of Seokmin and sat on a concrete across where he was sitting. It was that guy with the long blonde hair. 

The guy had his usual carton bag on his side. He took out a sandwich from the bag and was about to take a bite when his eyes met Seokmin’s. 

The guy put down his sandwich and smiled.

“Got some apples today?” he said.

Seokmin shook his head. The guy shrugged. 

Then the guy took his carton bag and walked towards Seokmin. When he arrived right in front of Seokmin, he raised his sandwich towards Seokmin. 

“Want some?”

Seokmin nodded. The guy took a seat next to him and divided the sandwich.

They talked while they ate the sandwich. Seokmin didn’t think he could just have a chat with some stranger, but there he was. 

“The duck looks comfy and the water looks so fresh,” said the guy after he showed Seokmin a photo in his phone. Seokmin had asked him why he took the photo and that was the answer.

The guy put his phone back in his pocket and turned to face Seokmin again. He looked at Seokmin for a while before saying, “You should smile more. You have a very nice smile.”

_Smile?_

Seokmin thought that the guy must be seeing things, but then he felt it. He could feel his face relaxed, the edge of his lips pulled right until the very sides of his face.  
He couldn’t see his own face and still doubting it a little bit, but yes, apparently Lee Seokmin was smiling.

When Seokmin got home to his small apartment room, he washed up, changed his clothes and laid on his bed. His mind drifting to the blonde guy’s words and memories of angry voices. The angry voices scolded him and told him to stop smirking, that he annoyed them. They are voices from when he was five or so, and yet Seokmin could hear them ever so clearly.

Seokmin laid on the bed, thoughts wandering from the blonde guy’s words to the angry voices and vice versa. In the end, the blonde guy’s words won and became the last thing that filled his mind before he fell asleep.

**

They were walking side by side, each one carrying a plastic bag. Jeonghan were on his left side, talking animately about the crab they saw at the market earlier. Jeonghan said he wanted to save some money so they can buy it and have a feast someday. His eyes gleaming, like they always do. They made Seokmin’s lips curve up a little.

Seokmin was giving Jeonghan a side glance and he noticed something. Jeonghan’s eyes opened wide in surprise. Seokmin turned his gaze to the front and saw a skinny young man. Jeonghan might be as skinny, but this man’s pale complexion, hollow cheeks, and sunken eyes made him looked unhealthy and skinnier than he probably was. 

The man looked at Jeonghan with his dead eyes. 

Seokmin glanced at Jeonghan who was taking a step towards the man, astonishment still on his face. The man stepped forward too. Seokmin didn’t think. He extended his arm and pushed the guy away. The man looked startled. He didn’t put up a fight and staggered backwards.

Seokmin managed to put some distance between Jeonghan and the man, but Jeonghan ignored his effort by walking closer to the man.

“It’s okay,” he said as he extended his hand towards the man’s. But the man slapped it away. Jeonghan tried a few times to take the man’s hand until the man walked away. Jeonghan followed right behind.

Seokmin watched Jeonghan walked past and grabbed his wrist. Jeonghan only turned once to free his wrist and walked away quickly.

And then he was gone.

**

Seokmin looked at the face on the mirror. A long face and sharp nose. Thick eyebrows and high cheekbones. Black hair cut short, leaving the forehead exposed. A pair of trembling eyes. 

He didn’t hate that face, but he didn’t like it either. He wanted to though. He wanted it and his chest ached.

So he lifted the corner of his lips. Bit by bit until they reached high almost to his cheekbones. This is how _he_ liked it. 

Seokmin looked at the new face on the mirror. He looked and looked. The ache in his chest didn’t go away. He couldn’t like the face. 

No. 

Why. 

_He_ liked it. 

Why couldn’t he?

“Why...” 

Seokmin heard a faint voice in the room. Something in the corner of his head told him that it was his own voice, but it felt distant that Seokmin just couldn’t bring himself to believe. 

He was forced to do so when he felt something warm and wet on his cheeks. Seokmin looked at the face in the mirror. It was crying.

Couldn’t bear the sight, Seokmin closed his eyes.

After who knows how long, a beep reached Seokmin’s ears, making him open his eyes. He glanced to a small space made of plastic at the bottom of the mirror, hovering above the sink. The phone lying there was flashing a green dot. 

Seokmin took the phone and pressed a button on the right side. The screen came to life and showed a pop up.

_From: Jeonghan  
I’ll be back late. Don’t wait up._

Somehow Seokmin felt like letting out a sigh in relief and screaming in pain at the same time. Instead, he sat down and leaned against the cold ceramic wall, burrying his face on his knees and basking in tears until his consciousness slipped away.


	4. Sky

The first time we saw the night sky together, there were no stars. Even so he looked at the vast darkness as if it was the most interesting in the world. He gazed at it as he told me things; how he finally managed to get his rice cooker to cook the rice suited to his liking, how the seat of the bus he took this morning felt softer and comfier than usual, how he got some coffee spilled onto his shirt, creating a butterfly-like shape under the right pocket.

The second time we saw the night sky together, there was one star. He let out a small squeal before pointing at the star, asking me if I saw it too.  
If you look at a single star very closely, you’ll see the other stars too, he said. I tried as he said, but moments passed and the star was still alone. But then, when I was about to turn my gaze away...

There they were. One on the upper right, two on the bottom left, and more around the first star. They blinked dimly, but they were there. 

I turned to my left to see him. He was staring at the stars, lips curved up, eyes glinting. Then he turned to face me. I was about to give up but then they showed up, he said in an enthusiastic voice. 

The smile he showed that night was brighter than those sparkles in the sky.

**

When Seokmin opened his eyes, he was laying on the sofa, blanket draped neatly over him. He didn’t remember getting on the sofa. Neither taking the blanket with him.

He smelled something. Something burnt. His half-closed eyes opened instantly. He quickly got of the sofa and walked around it, to the kitchen behind. 

“I burned the noodles,” said Jeonghan when Seokmin reached to the pan and turned the stove off. Then Seokmin turned to face Jeonghan and he was greeted with an innocent smile.

“Eat out?”

Seokmin couldn’t hold back a smile. Never with Jeonghan. 

They went to a nearby diner. A small place and a favorite for factory workers and students. It has a variety of menu, including vegetables dishes, to satisfy the neighborhood’s tongue and nutritional needs. Seokmin got two dishes with a plate full of rice, while Jeonghan got himself rice a third of Seokmin’s and small portions of various side dishes. 

On the walk home Jeonghan said that he wanted to take Seokmin and stop by somewhere. Seokmin nodded without much thinking. The road they took was leading to a shabby area, its houses were and apartment buildings were decorated with faded colors and dots of cold looking concrete peeking out of some places (Seokmin thought that his neighborhood was shabby enough. Looked like he was wrong). 

It was almost like walking in a monochrome world, if not for Jeonghan. 

Seokmin and Jeonghan never talked much when they were walking. Sometimes Jeonghan would stop to take a picture of some grass or store sign, they would look at the objects and the pictures, back to the objects, then proceeded to walk without many words exchanged. This time was no different. Jeonghan stopped to take a snap of worn off paint on what looked like a small office. The places where the paint disappeared were shaped almost like a flower. Seokmin watched Jeonghan took the picture and he realized how the black and white world seemed to regain its colors around Jeonghan. 

Seokmin let out a small chuckle, small enough to go unnoticed by Jeonghan, and thought how silly it was. He used to not get involved with people, only initiating interaction when necessary. Yet now he couldn’t imagine his days without Jeonghan. 

With such thing in mind Seokmin continued to follow Jeonghan. It took a good 20 minutes until they arrived in a two story apartment building (run down, like everything in this area), walked to the second floor and knocked the door at the far end opposite the stairs. 

The door swung open and revealed a scrawny man, the one Seokmin saw at the town’s bus stop and seemed to be Jeonghan’s acquaintance. It was long enough for Seokmin to recognize the man but not enough to figure out what was behind the blank expression. The door swung again and almost reunited with its frame, but Jeonghan held it with his leg (Seokmin was worried that Jeonghan might hurt his leg but the latter didn’t even wince). 

Jeonghan talked to the man. Seokmin couldn’t grasp the words even though they were not even whispering. When they’re done, Jeonghan pulled the fabric Seokmin’s right sleeve and guided him inside. 

That was the first time Seokmin visited Minghao’s place.

**

“You don’t have to be considerate and ask me to come with you.”

It was the 6th time or so that Seokmin visited Minghao with Jeonghan, and when Minghao was out to get some books or something (it’s hard to catch Minghao’s words), Seokmin felt like it was the time to express his thoughts.

Jeonghan looked confused. “I’m not being considerate.”

Seokmin thought “Oh” but he didn’t let it out. He only hummed.

“You didn’t want to come here?”

Seokmin thought about the answer and it didn’t took look to figure out that it was no. He didn’t hate Minghao, but he didn’t enjoy being with him either.

“It’s okay,” answered Seokmin.

Jeonghan smiled in response. 

They continued to hang out at Minghao’s. Not much talking at Minghao’s part, as usual. Minghao was always typing something on his computer. Sometimes Jeonghan would walk to him, asked about what he was typing, having a chat, but Minghao’s attention always went back to the screen. The only time Seokmin saw Minghao not in front of his computer (except the first time they met) was during their third visit. Jeonghan suggested to eat out and the three of them went to a nearby diner. Aside from that Minghao was always with his computer. Jeonghan didn’t seem to mind though.

“Let’s go home,” said Jeonghan. Seokmin looked at his watch and noticed that it was already past 6. 

Seokmin nodded and Jeonghan got up from the floor, walking towards the next room and stopping just behind Minghao’s chair.

“Minghao, we’re going home. See you later.” Jeonghan said with a lively voice. 

Seokmin saw Minghao’s fingers stopped, hovering above the keyboards. When the latter twisted his neck to face Jeonghan, Seokmin’s gaze went to Minghao’s eyes. No matter how many times Seokmin had seen them, he couldn’t understand, not even imagine what sort of emotions those orbs held. Even so, this time Seokmin thought he was able to see something. Still difficult to comprehend, but at least there’s something else than those blank stares. 

That something encouraged Seokmin to say this.

“Let’s stay for a little while. I’ll go to the supermarket and cook something here.”

Jeonghan turned to Seokmin with a wide smile on his face, the usual smile he showed every time Seokmin was going to cook. 

“Minghao! We’re eating Seokmin’s cooking!” said Jeonghan when he turned back to Minghao. Minghao still had that blank look on his face, but Seokmin thought he saw the edges of Minghao’s lips were pulled slightly upward. Maybe he saw it wrong. Didn’t matter.

Seokmin went to get his bag and walked back to Minghao’s work room before heading out to the supermarket. Jeonghan and Minghao were facing the window near Minghao’s desk, their heads slightly tilted up. Seokmin couldn’t see through the window because of the angle, but when he was out of the apartment, out under the open sky, he saw the twinkling lights over the black veil. He could feel his lips curving up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was having another writer’s block (and a surge of laziness, oh how much I wanted to just lay in my bed and sleep until my head hurts), but I’ve learned from experience that it’s better to push through, did just that, and finally ending this fic after 5 months. 
> 
> This was not the kind of fic with obvious ups and downs in plot. A sort of drabble (a quite long drabble). I didn’t even know what I was trying to convey through this. But I enjoyed writing it and I hope you enjoyed reading this too. 
> 
> I certainly hope that I could introduce you to the song that inspired this fic. Check the singer-songwriter’s other songs too. They’re pretty cool.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading!


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